Asbahi - Nothing to see here

In a complete non-story, U.S. Media either buried, or failed to report that Democratic Nominee Barack Obama’s ”muslim outreach advisor” recently resigned due to involvement in an Islamic investment fund and various islamic groups – what might also be considered terrorist backing.

Buried on page A-4 of the Wall Street Journal, and at the very bottom of their online website, Mazen Asbahi, appointed volunteer national coordinator for Muslim American affairs by the Obama campaign on July 26, stepped down Monday after an Internet newsletter wrote about his brief stint on the fund’s board, which also included a fundamentalist imam (see: “terrorists”).

Asbahi stepped down to avoid “distraction” to Obama’s campaign, and the media wisely did not report or ask questions about this strange tie between Sen. Obama and potential terrorist organizations – they also did not want to distract.

In other news, nothing to worry about when Obama states that he may want to arbitrarily take company profits.  Move along.

Good thing they got paid for the photos now because when the child turns 18 and is arrested for the third time, and headed to rehab for drug addiction because their parents are so fucked up, their mugshot will appear for free on the web.

It is the second time People magazine has brought shame on themselves by paying for a photo of a kid from Pitt-Jolie that is destined for a life of alcoholism and drug addiction.

The only losers bigger than the management at People, are the ones that are so obsessed with these two idiots that they drive the magazine to pay such a price. Unfortunately, in a Zogby poll released just last month, 87% of the readers/picture lookers of the subscribers to the magazine, could not name the Vice President of the United States, either of their states senators, or locate their home state on the map.

A high level executive at People magazine speaking on condition of anonymity said, “The sheer stupidity of the American People never ceases to amaze us, but damn we LOVE it! Who cares about war, $4 gas, health care, and 10 trillion dollar deficits? Instead the morons are more concerned with these losers and their rehab bound kid. “

This sad looking vehicle lets the world know “I no longer have any dignity, and am willing to drive anything no matter how ridiculous I look in it”.

This car is designed for babies, cats, chimpanzees who wear funny hats, and squirrels.  Because no other living thing would be caught dead in this car.  It takes the un-coolness of the minivan to depths no one could have previously fathomed.

If you are a man, I’m going to presume you have had your balls removed if you are seen driving this car.

To get the word out, campaign officials during the past several weeks have been talking to the broadcast networks about logistics, and who will actually get to put their hands down his briefs first. 

The details remain sketchy for security reasons, though it’s confirmed that NBC’s Brian Williams, ABC’s Charles Gibson and CBS’ Katie Couric all will have sex with Obama on separate days. The exact dates of the sex have not been made public, also for security reasons. Couric’s is said to be most eager. As one senior CBS executive put it, “Katie just adores Obama, and looks forward to finding out if the myth about black men is true, and quite frankly Brian and Charlie seem frightened to learn first hand about the myth”! 

But the intense coverage that Obama’s group sex will generate is causing debate within the halls of the network news divisions. A network executive said that everyone in the mainstream media wants to have sex with Obama, and the campaign is putting them in a bad position about fairness in regards to whom actually gets to bang Obama. 

The networks also are talking to the McCain campaign to make sure that it’s not all about sex with Obama, all the time next week. 

“We have already reached out to them (the McCain campaign) to provide an equal opportunity to them, but I mean, who wants to have sex with McCain” said one of the ABC “World News” executive producers.

Batman prepares to battle his worst enemy - his mother

Batman has taken on the world’s most vicious criminals:  The Joker, The Penguin, Mr. Freeze….but recently Batman opened up a can of whoop-ass on two of his most evil nemeses….his mother and his sister.

Just prior to the European screening of “The Dark Knight”, Batman in all probability got sick and tired of hearing “are you going to wear that suit again?”.   Plus, Batman has probably had it up to here waiting for his sister to quit hogging the bathroom so much.  When Batman has to go, Batman has to go.

So, he allegedly beat the crap out of them and is now being held by Scotland Yard.

The film “The Dark Knight” broke the box office record, taking in $158 million in it’s U.S. opening weekend, besting “Spider-Man 3″, the previous record holder.

McCain received the most cheers when opened his address with praise for his rival.

The audience cheered McCain’s pandering promises to reform the education system and expand opportunities for minorities although few in attendance believed him.

Gretchen Woods, an undecided voter, said she found McCain’s speech “informative and very interesting, but I still suspect he is probably a white devil”

Venitta Barnett, an NAACP member and Obama supporter, said also was glad McCain spoke before the group.

“I came, and I was open-minded, and I listened, but let me tell you something, that white man don’t have a chance in hell with this group!”

President Bush did not attend an NAACP conference until his sixth year in office because black people hate him.

McCain apologized for not accepting an invitation to the convention last year, which came at a time when his campaign was in the Republican nomination, and knew appearing with black people would sink his chance at winning his parties nomination.

“Don’t tell him I said this, but he is an impressive fellow in many ways, especially for a black man,” McCain said in Cincinnati, Ohio.

His comments were met by blank stares of hatred from the crowd.

McCain said that whatever the outcome, “Sen. Obama has achieved a great thing — for blacks anyway.”

Polls suggest that McCain has a lot of ground to gain among black voters.

A New York Times/CBS News poll conducted July 7-14 found that black voters favor Obama over McCain, 89 to 2 percent. Michael Steele, the Head of GOPAC and the only black Republican left in the Republican party said, “These are numbers that we feel will climb all the way to 3% by election day”.

Uribe made the admission after CNN reported on unpublished photographs and videos that clearly showed a man wearing a Red Cross bib. Wrongly using the Red Cross logo is prohibited by the Geneva Conventions. The man was a member of the Colombian military intelligence team involved in the daring rescue, Uribe said in an address carried on national TV and radio.  Uribe also called for the swift execution of the Colombian military intelligence member.

The president said that as the constitutional head of the armed forces, he takes full political responsibility for what he described as a slip-up. Uribe said he was sorry for the mistake and had talked to Red Cross officials about it.  “I vowed to the Red Cross that we would have the hostages returned to the jungle and their FARC captors within days.”

The families of the captives were enraged with the Colombian President when they discovered he had violated the Geneva Convention during the daring rescue. A family spokesman released a statement saying, “We were shocked to find this was a violation of the precious Geneva Convention, and we expect to turn our loved ones back over to FARC forces within days. We appeal to the almighty UN to please press forward with a resolution condemning President Uribe for these war crimes.”

Apparently the World Court did not get the memo that these five are in Texas.

Staying an execution in Texas is paramount to stripping a woman naked and asking the man in front of her not to have sex with her, or laying out a piece of bacon for a dog and asking it not to eat it.

These five have been convicted of rape and murder, which means not only will Texas execute them, but they will probably fry them five times over, just for good measure.

Best of luck on this one, World Court.

The American public has responded with shock and awe as Sen. Arlen Specter says he won’t call for congressional hearings on the NFL‘s investigation of the Spygate scandal after all. The stunning reversal has left  Senator Specter with a re-election battle that just weeks ago was thought to be a foregone conclusion in favor of the Pennsylvania Republican incumbent, but now looks to be another gain for Senate Democrats.

Specter (R-Pa.) earlier had demanded an independent inquiry, but since his reversal on the position the Senator has seen his approval rating drop into single digits. One angry Pennsylvania voter, Betty Birch, proclaimed, “We might have many important matters at hand right now, but what other f%!**ing issue rises to the importance of this one?!”

“I haven’t pulled back. There’s not much more I can do at this point,” Specter said. “I’m not going to call for hearings because people seem real pissed off about this high dollar fuel and I think we will be spending more time on that”.

After the initial public outcry, Specter sought to change his decision, but was rebuffed by Senate Democratic leadership who knew this move was political suicide for Specter. One anonymous high ranking Democratic source on the Senate judiciary committee responded, “This was one train wreck we could not stop watching! I mean, what kind of dumb ass would pull sensitive hearings on THIS matter in favor of hearings on Iraq, Oil prices, and a mortgage crisis?”

Specter’s office did not respond to inquiries for this article.