Author Archives: The Whiz

Media wisely buries story about Sen. Obama’s advisor with terrorist ties

Asbahi - Nothing to see here

Asbahi - Nothing to see here

In a complete non-story, U.S. Media either buried, or failed to report that Democratic Nominee Barack Obama’s “muslim outreach advisor” recently resigned due to involvement in an Islamic investment fund and various islamic groups — what might also be considered terrorist backing.

Buried on page A-4 of the Wall Street Journal, and at the very bottom of their online website, Mazen Asbahi, appointed volunteer national coordinator for Muslim American affairs by the Obama campaign on July 26, stepped down Monday after an Internet newsletter wrote about his brief stint on the fund’s board, which also included a fundamentalist imam (see: “terrorists”).

Asbahi stepped down to avoid “distraction” to Obama’s campaign, and the media wisely did not report or ask questions about this strange tie between Sen. Obama and potential terrorist organizations – they also did not want to distract.

In other news, nothing to worry about when Obama states that he may want to arbitrarily take company profits.  Move along.

If you drive this car, prepare for a lifetime of mockery

Honda has unveiled a new concept car called the ‘PUYO‘.

This sad looking vehicle lets the world know “I no longer have any dignity, and am willing to drive anything no matter how ridiculous I look in it”.

This car is designed for babies, cats, chimpanzees who wear funny hats, and squirrels.  Because no other living thing would be caught dead in this car.  It takes the un-coolness of the minivan to depths no one could have previously fathomed.

If you are a man, I’m going to presume you have had your balls removed if you are seen driving this car.

Nice going, Batman

Batman prepares to battle his worst enemy - his mother

Batman prepares to battle his worst enemy - his mother

Batman has taken on the world’s most vicious criminals:  The Joker, The Penguin, Mr. Freeze….but recently Batman opened up a can of whoop-ass on two of his most evil nemeses….his mother and his sister.

Just prior to the European screening of “The Dark Knight”, Batman in all probability got sick and tired of hearing “are you going to wear that suit again?”.   Plus, Batman has probably had it up to here waiting for his sister to quit hogging the bathroom so much.  When Batman has to go, Batman has to go.

So, he allegedly beat the crap out of them and is now being held by Scotland Yard.

The film “The Dark Knight” broke the box office record, taking in $158 million in it’s U.S. opening weekend, besting “Spider-Man 3”, the previous record holder.

World Court urges U.S. to stay 5 executions

The U.N.’s highest court ordered the United States to stay the executions of five Mexicans on death row pending review of their cases.

Apparently the World Court did not get the memo that these five are in Texas.

Staying an execution in Texas is paramount to stripping a woman naked and asking the man in front of her not to have sex with her, or laying out a piece of bacon for a dog and asking it not to eat it.

These five have been convicted of rape and murder, which means not only will Texas execute them, but they will probably fry them five times over, just for good measure.

Best of luck on this one, World Court.

Specter Sees Approval Plummett After Dismissal Of Spygate Hearing

The American public has responded with shock and awe as Sen. Arlen Specter says he won’t call for congressional hearings on the NFL‘s investigation of the Spygate scandal after all. The stunning reversal has left  Senator Specter with a re-election battle that just weeks ago was thought to be a foregone conclusion in favor of the Pennsylvania Republican incumbent, but now looks to be another gain for Senate Democrats.

Specter (R-Pa.) earlier had demanded an independent inquiry, but since his reversal on the position the Senator has seen his approval rating drop into single digits. One angry Pennsylvania voter, Betty Birch, proclaimed, “We might have many important matters at hand right now, but what other f%!**ing issue rises to the importance of this one?!”

“I haven’t pulled back. There’s not much more I can do at this point,” Specter said. “I’m not going to call for hearings because people seem real pissed off about this high dollar fuel and I think we will be spending more time on that”.

After the initial public outcry, Specter sought to change his decision, but was rebuffed by Senate Democratic leadership who knew this move was political suicide for Specter. One anonymous high ranking Democratic source on the Senate judiciary committee responded, “This was one train wreck we could not stop watching! I mean, what kind of dumb ass would pull sensitive hearings on THIS matter in favor of hearings on Iraq, Oil prices, and a mortgage crisis?”

Specter’s office did not respond to inquiries for this article.