World Court urges U.S. to stay 5 executions

The U.N.’s highest court ordered the United States to stay the executions of five Mexicans on death row pending review of their cases.

Apparently the World Court did not get the memo that these five are in Texas.

Staying an execution in Texas is paramount to stripping a woman naked and asking the man in front of her not to have sex with her, or laying out a piece of bacon for a dog and asking it not to eat it.

These five have been convicted of rape and murder, which means not only will Texas execute them, but they will probably fry them five times over, just for good measure.

Best of luck on this one, World Court.

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Specter Sees Approval Plummett After Dismissal Of Spygate Hearing

The American public has responded with shock and awe as Sen. Arlen Specter says he won’t call for congressional hearings on the NFL‘s investigation of the Spygate scandal after all. The stunning reversal has left  Senator Specter with a re-election battle that just weeks ago was thought to be a foregone conclusion in favor of the Pennsylvania Republican incumbent, but now looks to be another gain for Senate Democrats.

Specter (R-Pa.) earlier had demanded an independent inquiry, but since his reversal on the position the Senator has seen his approval rating drop into single digits. One angry Pennsylvania voter, Betty Birch, proclaimed, “We might have many important matters at hand right now, but what other f%!**ing issue rises to the importance of this one?!”

“I haven’t pulled back. There’s not much more I can do at this point,” Specter said. “I’m not going to call for hearings because people seem real pissed off about this high dollar fuel and I think we will be spending more time on that”.

After the initial public outcry, Specter sought to change his decision, but was rebuffed by Senate Democratic leadership who knew this move was political suicide for Specter. One anonymous high ranking Democratic source on the Senate judiciary committee responded, “This was one train wreck we could not stop watching! I mean, what kind of dumb ass would pull sensitive hearings on THIS matter in favor of hearings on Iraq, Oil prices, and a mortgage crisis?”

Specter’s office did not respond to inquiries for this article.